For some reason I don't know where to begin, but it's one of those days where something so small that hurt your feelings turn into a day full of anxiety and depression........... UGH i don't even want to type much, wish i had motivation to write the stories I've been dying to get out.

Creatures from the sun descend upon the earth in a quick fashion, crashing into buildings and or embedding themselves within the earth. They rise and attack anything in sight, not for the blood and gore but for the goal of conversion.

corrupted i forfeited this fight for my family's sake.
the evil it eats me up alive with my soul to take.
i can't help it that i feel so gory.
typical life.. shit it just bores me.

[dj sully/istrumental1]

As you can see below I have some crazy lyrics.. Been in Boca for the past two days. Danny invited me to come up and spend pretty much get retarded with him at his Father's house.. he was already there so I had to find some way to get there.. Karlos (This guy I actually went to school with at Centennial, but never really talked to. He's got the Gothic look to him and such.. Hispanic. FUCKING CUTE! I already told him I had a crush on him before.. and a bunch of other things. Me and him have our own little stories these days.) came to mind since it was his 21st Birthday. He was completely down for it. Then I invited my home girls. Gina, Heather and Tamara. What a bunch huh? Haha. Ron had bought me a bottle of Bacardi Gold the night before. I was so drunk then.. This dude David was hanging out with me including Terelle, Brent and David's friend. Blah.. Anyway, So it took us about almost 2 hours to get there.. We ended up getting an 18 pack of Budlight and chillin in the back just drinking.. Come to find out the girls were popping and snorting Zanax in the bathroom. Danny's dad thought they were doing coke. Lol.. It was whatever to me. Meanwhile.. I noticed that the birthday boy isn't even drinking really, so i tried to convince him to do it for me, so he chugs a beer or two and starts getting frisky, I didn't mind, I was going right along with it. We got caught into our own little world.. Running and hiding on the Golf field that's right behind the house. Pretty nice.. We got a little physical, but yes I am still a virgin.

We came back and Gina was trippin out saying that Tamara is passed out and then questioning me about what me and Karlos were doing. The girls were getting a piece of him too, but it didn't bother me. I just know that me and Karlos have a different type of relationship. I guess intimate friends. I have a lot of those apparently.. Since all of us were in a room together in the dark doing naughty things to each other.. But Gina is the only one that ended up runing it for me. From being mono toned and fucked up and talking entirely way too much... it was just shitty at the end. But in the next 10 minutes Tamara is awake so that we could leave or something like that. She freaks out because she can't find her pills and her pack of cigarettes are missing. I got an attitude and was just really pissed off.. I decided to stay behind right when we were about to leave.. It was nice. To just say fuck it and walk the other way. I didn't need the drama.. Karlos told me it was a quiet ride home.. But kept telling me he was wanting to play with me. It's a mutual thing, the guy is pretty interesting and he's really taking it slow with me. We both realize that being in a relationship isn't an option. I've been learning everyday to surpress my feelings when it comes to these type of situations.. It was hard before, but from being up here in Boca Raton and clearing my head.. Focusing on my writing and rapping skills. It's really refreshing to get that writing back.. I had writers block for so long and finally my world has come back to face me again.

I have this guy Ron. Older dude, pretty much enough to be my father. But he has the biggest crush on me. I like him a little but I like the friendship that we have.. He would drop off blunts to my crib.. front my trees buy me alcohol.. it's fucking crazy and to know that he also is affiliated with dudes that produce music. I just found this out myself and can't wait to get to my house to hit him up so we can get this started. 

HUNGRYYYYYYYYY. 

The men are making breakfast. It's just me danny and his dad.
Done with this entry though.
Peace. 

You say I'm nothing, and fighting in this war all alone,
but can you clap for me just once as i sit on my throne.
this is the queen, the artist with untouchable flow,
and with a status that is toppin all the charts as i grow.
You will not hear it from my mouth, till i speak outloud.
That I'm an afro american, that's right i'm black and i'm proud.
and just remember something, Miss Dannii aint afraid of these hoes.
Cause when I look into they eyes, them chicks aint got no souls..
i'm super cold..
But the realist to the core, you just can't find me.
GPS my ass, System failure it's a tragedy.
I'm lyrically hungry, I thirst for the word.
And lend me your ear cause this is something that you might not have heard..

So my boy came by just the other day,
rolling up the J and he do it in the right way,
We started to kick it and he got lit and started spittin
i broke off a piece of what was missin.

This time around, baby protect the love.. Lalalalala..

What a crazy life.. this is the only place to vent when you're feeling lonely as fuck.

All day my stomach has been hurting.. threw up once.. well a few times in one sitting. I don't know what's wrong with me, but i will find out by tomorrow. The day has been so long and tiring.. i haven't even done much, but i have all of this fatigue for some reason.. I am slimming down but not in the healthy way..

Jon called me up yesterday finally. (the guy i pretty much fell head over heels for who got arrested.) we've been talking since he's been in there, and even wrote letters to one another, finally he responded to a lot of my questions i wrote to him. basically his ex is crazy.. but when he gets out he feels as though i would be a distraction to him.. not a benefit. it didn't hurt me as much because i stopped fantasizing over him weeks before, so it was just a reasonable understanding. then again you never know what really could happen. at the same time, i had hung out with this guy i was introduced to as "cashew chris" (because he's nuts). heh, stupid but it's one of those really dry stoner jokes. me and him had hung out a couple nights ago and the guy was confessing to how attracted he was to me and this and that. i find him cute, but he's 31, turning 32 next month. he doesn't act like uptight but he's pretty cool, though it's not going the way I wanted.. many reasons. right before we even hung out me and my ex cheyanne get into it because she wants to hang out with me while I was hanging out with him.. i really didn't want to mix the crowds so early in the game, so i was beating aroudn the bush about how i didn't know.. and blah blah.. she was at my house already.. which made me call her a stalker, that didn't go over to well. it was a mess and much longer of a story then i'm willing to type.

Shit is just weird.. the one guy I want is in jail... the other guy I tried for which is hopeless and literally not even worth the time is a bum.. all of my ex's well a few have openly told me they want to have sex with me..but what is that? i don't want to go through my past and have meaningless sex, no offense ladies, but that's what'll come to surface and that's just me. I'm changing in my life and I want someone who will be in my future.. seems like when I dwell in the past things just get eh.. idk, shittier.

I was laying in bed thinking about life.. It's in the process of moving into a different direction.. a good one I would believe. But I'm such a hopeless romantic and spoiled from all the love that I've enjoyed and taken advantage of before that now it's like a stressful quest to find the next. Even just jon.. I was thinking about it out loud on my way to go out alone into the city just earlier tonight.. I was expecting so much out of him because he was soooo damn sweet to me, and affectionate and cute and cuddly.. all kinds of shit, he lead me to realize that it is possible for me to fall for a boy.. SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER DONE IN THE EARLY LIFE.

Of couse you have to go through some characters to get to the good ones.. but I'm so ready to meet someone new. I'm not even sorry for how I feel. I've been a self-less person for years, and nowadays I've been about me, and that's how it is. GET OVER IT BITCH (directed to an ex..)

live your life.

Like always it's been awhile since I've typed in here but new shit has aroused and somehow this is the only way to get it out.

Me and Cheyanne are pretty much over, we haven't talked since valentine's day. She called, I was asleep, and I just couldn't bare to wake up and just said I would talk to her later, but never did. I just considered it finally over between us. No longer mention her name (until today), no longer thinking about her. I finally feel a sense of healing from something that seemed so toxic.

new interest in life. "Jon" It's funny that things are going this way, just had a chance to really think about some shit that was going on in my life, and it's still stagnant but things will pour over soon. Hopefully not so harshly.

But anyway, A myspace meet and soon greeting. I told myself I wouldn't meet someone from online anymore, but i guess you can't help it especially if you instantly click with that person. Anyway, We met last night after talking for awhile and saw the movie "He just isn't that into you." Which is ironic for a first date a little. But it turned out nice, he bought and we even smoked a fat ol' blunt. crazy, but it was chill and nice. Got close and such, felt nice to feel that embrace. 

Hung out tonight after the boys were over.. We watched 'quarantine' together after smoking with my dad in the back and talking. loll, funny shit. then of course my mom was giving us the boot so we chilled in his ride, talked for a good while. got a good sense of how his mind works pretty quick, which i thought was kind a funny. but still so much to 'want' to know, he leveled the more personal details lightly as being in my mind simple as fuckkk. lol. but i have to take into consideration that he smokes a great lot and even sells it. including starting this stone and marble business. but nothing else screams complication.. and i really like that right now. feeling the brighter side of life again. haha. just smooth sailing in the start of this journey so far.. but the weather has to change some time.. okay, i'll stay optimistic about it. just hard in the beginning.

and it's been forever since i've even dated a guy. let alone 'sleep' with one. but i want this shit to be real, don't want to fuck it up. trying to play the cards right. i really do like him so far. i think it's a matter of being comfortable too, knowing that i dated a lot of females and hardly guys, the roles get switched a little. in my case it only turns slightly, but my mind clears of the fog and it's just me being happy. that's what matters in the end. wow i think i just cheered myself up.

i definitely need to bring myself to the brighter side of life, i kind of have this image of only flaw sometimes, and i need to just lay back and enjoy. i don't want to analyze so much anymore.. being around someone that is real doesn't make you want to analyze them as if they had a personality disorder. they are true to themselves and you. i feel that with him already. he seems like he just been with himself for a little while and just wanting someone to chill back with on the late nights.. his story goes on but i wouldn't want to spoil anything..but we're definitely making the moves to carry it on to something more. but in my pace it has to go slow.

it's funny, for the first time like this i feel like i'm just being %100 real.. i guess it's cause im high and literally typing what my voice is saying in my head.. lollll stonerrrr ah. anywho.

feels like a school girl crush.. he reminds me of those guys back in highschool that were just cool and mello, always thought they were cute and funny in a goofy but good way. lol.

but it feels nice i guess that's my point.

Sometimes I feel like a wasteland. Only a feeling not the pure reality.. Looking outside and watching the skies change color and clouds move smoothly and shifting at the same time. Thinking of how I understand and yet don't understand my heart.. a silly contradiction that all of us go through. But I want to just be away and not feel the way I do.. It just sucks I guess.

I can't get what I want so badly.. and it only is killing me. FUCKKKKKK!

Yeah, screaming at the top of my lungs really is what I want to do.. and I just want to forget her and walk away and start something new.. and it tears me up because when i get to this point something happens and she's in my world again closer then before.

She claims she loves me more then what I can understand but doesn't trust me.. I believe that you can't love someone you don't trust.

At least in my head that's how I feel.. I'm not too sure maybe it is possible but it doesn't seem real.

She hasn't said a word. I would have to call her first. She won't call me..and I can't give myself tough love and not call her.. It's like a fucking addiction. No matter what happens I'll call over and over again until she answers. I won't give up.. and i know that my mind want's me to but my heart won't let me down..

I just want someone to sweep me off my feet and amaze me.. instead of me swaying everyone else.. i'm just tired of it and becoming miserable. FUCK YOU!! and you.. and yes you. I can't apologize because that is just how I feel.. I want her in my arms and speaking to me.. I feel like I'm sick.. and she's the only remedy.

Like a fucking crack addiction.. She's the pipe and the crack.. The full package. And I'm sweating pacing.. Crying myself to sleep.

Life came to a hault..

black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time. black rose i felt your petals wilt away, i couldn't bring you back to life.